The Resurrection

I've decided that it's high time to resurrect this blog. It's been almost 6 years since I last wrote, and a lot has changed. I'm no longer a soccer mom. My girls are teenagers now, and I'm stagnant. I work part time outside the home, and still have my home business. Did I say stagnant? Been married 20 years now. Again, stagnant.

One thing that isn't stagnant is my ever loving disdain of stupid people. I swear I think stupid people multiply like bunnies because they are everywhere. The older my girls get, the more I realize that teenagers are just plain stupid. I don't know if the constant checking of Twitter and Instagram has made them such, or if the teenage brain has evolved backwards, in to a more under-developed version of teenagers long ago.

I honestly don't remember being so stupid when I was 13 and almost 15. I'm not talking about lacking in street smarts, because let's face it, that comes mostly from experience. No, I'm talking about common sense. You need a coat when it's 15 degrees in Chicago, no? How about planning at least 12 hours in advance if you need $50 from mom for a school outing? No? You want a new dress for the school dance but don't want to help unload the dishwasher? Seriously?

I swear I'm not raising stupid lazy daughters. I empower them, give them freedom, cheer them on, embrace their differences and abilities.... So where did the lazy, stupid brain come from?

More to come....

Saint or Sinner?

I'm a news junkie. I admit it. iGoogle is my home page, complete with ABC News, MSNBC, Fox News and CNN. (OK, I also have People and E Online in there too.)

Being a news junkie, I stay up late to watch not only my local news, but Nightline on ABC. Tonight was an intriguing report on infidelity and monogamy. There were some holy rollers on there, but there were also a few people that believe that we, as humans, are not wired to be monogamous.

I've been with the same man for almost 18 years, and then of course there's my husband. HA! Only kidding! My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years, and married for almost 15 years. In that time, I have always been faithful in body. But in mind and spirit? I've lusted, I've had crushes, but have never and would never act on them.

Which brings me to the point of the Nightline episode... Is it a sin to be lustful towards someone else if you are in a committed relationship? Does that make you a sinner or still a saint?

We've all heard the term, "Emotional Affair". But is it really an affair if you are not physically bound to the other person? Some would argue that emotional affairs are twice as damaging as a physical affair, and with good reason. If it was just about sex, then you can pretty much figure out what is wrong in the relationship. But if a partner is seeking an emotional attachment outside the confines of your relationship, then the soul and heart are crushed by the dead weight of the hurt in the mind. Repairing that relationship is an uphill battle.

I remember going through Pre Cana with my now husband. For those of you non-Catholics, Pre Cana is the Catholic program for marriage preparation. In Pre Cana, we discussed shared wants, philosophies, even birth control. But we never discussed the possibility of developing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that could be deemed as a sin. Strange.

So, are you a saint or a sinner? Take the poll on ABC News and find out. Click HERE to start the poll. And when you are done, only share the results with your partner if you turn out to be a Saint like me ;)

Why Cats and Men are alike but we prefer cats

My entire life, I've been surrounded by cats. From our family cats, to the cats out at the barn where I rode and trained horses. Always purring, always there for a hug... you get the picture. I have two cats now, 14 year old full sisters, but as different as night and day. One of our cats is very friendly, a little dopey and just your basic lazy-ass cat. The other cat - the one who has attached herself to me - is quite finicky and rather bitchy. (Gee, I wonder why she likes me?)

I was thinking the other night that cats and men have a lot in common. Let me list the similarities:

~ They both purr when you pet them.
~ They will seek you out when they are hungry.
~ Thankfully, they usually bathe themselves.
~ They will stand at the door and howl when they want to go out with their friends.
~ When they are angry at you, they both will yell and sometimes hiss at you.

Now, the reasons we women prefer cats over men:

~ When you pet them, they ONLY purr.
~ They actually like to snuggle in bed with you.
~ They pretty much leave you alone.
~ They never argue with you.
~ They sit patiently when you talk to them and unload on them, and never interrupt.

I'm sure I could think of another five thousand reasons why cats are preferred by women, but as you can see by the spattering of items listed above, this is absolute proof as to why there are so many cats in a household that also includes a woman.

The Donkey, The Curling Iron & The Berries

We had our last, blow-out camping trip of the year over Labor Day Weekend. The sun was shining, it was warm, and our campground was a blast! The kidlets found other kids their own age, and all was good! Then came the donkey, or I should say, donkeys.

Our campground featured a barn with llamas, shetland ponies and donkeys. Cute, right? Fun for the kids, right? And it was... until one of the donkeys started braying in the middle of the night... for three straight nights! Now, I have never heard a donkey in heat, or one that is seriously maimed, but that's what it sounded like! I swear, if grunting was involved in the braying, I would think that in a few months there would be little donkeys running around!

Then there was the curling iron. Each morning when I went into the bathroom to wash my face, there was this woman there, blow drying the wet counter (and she told her daughter not to put anything down on that wet, disgusting counter) and curling her hair. Her face was already painted like some toddler that goe into her mom's make-up. This was every morning!!!! Does this woman not realize that it's called CAMPING?!?!?!? No one cares what your hair and face look like! Nine out of ten times, you're not ever going to see these people again! Are there still women that VAIN out there? Seriously?

But the highlight of the weekend was after we got home and realized that the pretty berry tree we had the camper and van parked under was shedding berries. And the birds that were eating the berries, were also crapping the berries onto the camper and the van. My nice white camper and nice white van looked like someone was executed at point blank range in front of them! And I don't know how much you know about berry-soaked bird crap, but it's like trying to get cement off of a leaf! I finally resorted to the trusty power-washer.

Phew! All in all, it was a good time, and we will be returning to that fabulous campground, but next time, I'm going to request a site under a nice fir tree. And I'm going to be sure that there are no divas in the bathroom, and I'll be sure to bring with the ear plugs!

Starbuck's Mocha Frappucino... Jen's Way...

I'm the first one to admit that I'm a Starbuck's snob. Oh, I make my own coffee at home, and use whatever French Roast is on sale, but I have to have my Starbuck's! It's always a toss between a Venti Non-Fat, No Foam Latte, or a Venti Mocha Frappucino (yes, I know they have 500 calories.)



I have put a twist on the Mocha Frappucino though, and I thought I would share it with all of you.

The next time you have a hankering for a Mocha Fappucino, ask them to add a banana. Now, you do NOT want a cream based drink. You have to specifiy the coffee based drink. Tell them they make it the same way they always do, but you want them to drop a banana in there before they blend it.

O - M - G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when you were young and you would get a banana split sundae? And towards the end, everything was just about melted and all you could taste was the banana and chocolate? It's like that, but for us adults, walking around with a Mocha-Banana Frappucino looks a lot better than walking around with a banana split sundae!

Enjoy :)

Who else misses "Friends"???

It is after midnight, and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I was always an avid "Friends" watcher, and can pretty much answer any trivia question on the show, but it is my late night obsession with the reruns that really get me going.

I'm watching the one where Chandler sleeps through a meeting and accidentally agrees to be transferred to Tulsa. His expression is just priceless when he realizes what has happened!

And how about the episode where Ross wears black leather pants to a date, and he takes them off in the bathroom, but can't get them back on? So he calls Joey from his cell, and Joey recommends lotion, then baby powder. That has to be my ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!

My point to this post, is that it's good to still have things to laugh at, even when you are alone, on your couch, sometime after midnight.

When is a friend a friend, and when is a friend just awful?

In the course of my (ahem) 40 years, I have been friends with a lot of people. My first friend was Therese. The story goes that my mom walked me next door to Therese's house the day she came home from the hospital, so technically, I have known her longer than her sisters, who were still at their grandparent's house.

My next dear friend was Christy. Christy and I did everything together - except when it came to getting our periods. We were at sleep away camp the summer between sixth and seventh grades, and she got her period and I freaked. Our friendship declined further until we were in our 30s and had a final arguement over our baby's schedules. (She was a nap and feeding tyrant, and I was the hippie, go-with-the-flow mommy.)

My next set of friends came in high school. We were a close knit bunch - not popular, not freaks, but somewhere in between. And after high school, we still all remained tight. Sorority sisters, college roomates... sure we had other loyal sisters in crime, but none knew each other better than the close knit bunch of high school.

Which brings us to present day. We all have kids, we all have minivans and husbands, and we all have email. For most of the close knit bunch, email serves the greater purpose - letting each other know when Junior gets his/her first tooth, when the next 1st communion is happening, etc, etc... For one member of our close knit bunch, email is not what a friendship makes. She expects everyone to see each other face to face at least a hundred times a year. Now, I don't know about you, but between soccer, softball, school, sex and sleep (which of course the latter two I know nothing about) I barely see the inside of my bathroom much less my close knit bunch.

This particular member of the close knit bunch sends a scathing email to the rest of the tight knit bunch, calling out a few of us, that continually turn down invitation after invitation to get together. Now, I must point out that the events she had planned were not to my liking. I mean, I'm not going to go do something if I don't want to, right? Then she points out that she has attended many an event that she did not want to go to. So why is that my fault?

Which brings me to the point of the post in the first place - When is a friend a friend, and when is a friend just plain awful? And how far does one need to go to ensure a lasting friendship? I mean, I know you have to work at marriage, but that's a no brainer - men are the lesser advanced of the sexes, so us women have to work to keep their men in line. Duh! But when you are friends with another woman, there is an unspoken rule that since estrogen flows 3 out of 4 weeks a month, no one really has to work at the friendship.

(Wow this post is getting long)

Alright, here is the ending... should we have to work at friendships this hard? Are some friendships meant to end, like when you move away when you're seven? How hard are you supposed to fight for a friendship? At the end of the day, I wish I had Socrates sitting next to me answer these questions.

Yesterday's Coffee

When my ever-lovin' husband and I got married, we had the big ole wedding shower. My family, his family, friends, distant acquaintances of my grandmother - you get the picture. We got the most basic of coffee pots. Darn thing crapped out within the first year. Being DINKs back then (Dual Income No Kids, in case you were wondering) I splurged on a programmable coffee maker. Deluxe!!! I would set it at night, with my freshly ground beans, usually from Starbucks, and would wake up to the delicious aroma.

Now that I'm a full-time mom, who also works full-time at home, I still have the programmable coffee maker, but I also have kidlets who require every ounce of my energy 18 out of 24 hours a day. Thus, the coffee maker is no longer programmed because I forget, or I don't have the energy to scoop cheap coffee out of the tin before I go to bed. Nope, now my coffee is made when I wake up. And I sit there, like a crack addict waiting for the dealer to cut their share, for the darn thing to start so I can put my mug directly under the spout.

And every so often, when I'm really tired and lazy, I pour a mug of yesterday's coffee and nuke it in the microwave in the morning.

It would really be nice if my ever-lovin' husband would make me a pot of coffee before he leaves for work at the crack of dawn, but he doesn't know where the hamper is, much less the tin of cheap coffee.

The Anatomically Correct Boy Baby Alive

Baby Alive has been around since the beginning of time. I remember mine well - the hours spent feeding her, changing her diaper, loving her. Ah yes, those memories served me well when my kidlets came along.

I have learned that the new Baby Alive dolls do pretty much the same thing as mine did. However, there is a Boy Baby Alive now. This boy baby live is anatomically correct. Complete with little penis and scrotum. My Girl Baby Alive didn't even have labia, much less a vagina.

I remember the "Archie Bunker's Grandson" doll that came out in the 70's and the havoc that spread across the country. That doll too was anatomically correct.

Personally, I think these dolls are great! What a way to start a dialog with your girl kidlets about boy anatomy!

Now, if we could just get Mattel to make anatomically correct Ken dolls (instead of the eunuchs they are now) we could teach our kids about sex... think of the possibilities - little condoms, little diaphragms...

Sex and the Soap Operas

I admit it, I'm one of those SAHMs that watch soap operas. I'm an ABC addict. But what I'm realizing that last few months, is that they have an awful lot of sex on soap operas. More than the average person - not that I know what average is!

Or maybe that I just think that they are having an awful lot of sex because I'm having hardly any. I have a 9 year old kidlet that thinks my bed is their bed. If someone has some magic "children that sleeps in their own beds" trick out there, could you let me know?

I don't need to have soap opera sex - especially the part with multiple partners, but I think even my ever lovin' husband would like a night alone in our bed!

Are you a girly girl?

I ask this question, because deep down, I'm a total girly girl. I love having perfect makeup and hair, a feminine outfit, matching shoes and purse (usually a Coach) and pretty perfume. Unfortunately, most people see me in yoga pants (with hot glue stains all over them) and some ratty, retro t-shirt.

But yesterday, I went with two dear friends to have mani/pedis. For an hour and a half, we chatted while our feet soaked and our hands massaged. It was LOVELY!!!!

I would think that even if your not a typical girly girl, you would still benefit from some serious girlfriend time. I think all women need to take time for themselves. Especially us full-time moms. Our lives revolve around our kidlets. Bless you if you have more than two like me and my girlfriends that I was with yesterday. We seriously don't know how you do it! I can barely keep track of my kidlet's activities, homework, friends, moods, etc....

Oh, and not to mention those husbands who constantly disrupt our lives!

So today, I challenge all you soccer moms out there to do one nice thing for yourselves this month. Be it a mani/pedi with girlfriends, or a long, leisurly walk with a sister. Whatever, just treat yourself once a month. It will re-engerize you!

Ling Ling Potstickers and Guacamole Doritos

So here's the deal, I'm PMSing. That means that I go from cleaning every square inch of my house to eating. Then sleep. Lots of it. Get up, and repeat. My favorite thing to eat whilst PMSing was Guacamole Doritos:















Shame on the folks at Frito Lay for discontinuing this product. I hope they know that there are probably THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS of very angry PMSing women all over the world that curse their name at least once a month.

And in case you ask, no, guacamole dip and regular ole tostada chips are NOT the same. (Please note the anger in my voice.)

So I have resorted to Ling Ling Potstickers. Not quite the same combination of spicy and salty that my body craves, but none-the-less, fulfilling in their own way. The one thing that bugs me every time though, is that I prepare my potstickers according to the directions. But they still STICK. Mine never look like this:



Mine look like broken pieces of albino skin with pieces of vegetables and cabbage sticking out. That's not normal, right? A little dip in some soy sauce and they are good to go though.

OK, so share with me YOUR favorite PMSing food and activities...

You know you're out of shape when.....

My oldest kidlet's softball team practices at a field 4 blocks from our house. This is 4 suburban blocks, not city blocks, so the field is really close. We decided to ride our bikes to the field yesterday. Since kidlet #1 just got a bigger bike, she is still a little unsteady on it. So I offered to throw the bat bag over my shoulder. Oh, I should also mention that I was also carrying a Venti Skim No-Foam Latte from Starbucks. Needless to say, this middle-aged mom is out of shape!!! My occasional trips to the treadmill in the basement are apparently not good enough! My things were BURNING as I peddled! I couldn't get up the small hill to the field, so I had to walk the bike up. I am sure every kid in that park was pointing and laughing :)

I did manage to salvage most of my latte and walk off the cramps during practice. But OIY that bike ride home was hell!!!

The Domesticated Husband

Do you have one of these? Cooks a great dinner, knows how to do laundry, can even vacuum if prodded. However, anything mechanical is completely lost on him. This describes my ever lovin' husband.

The darling comes home from work today and I tell him that my printer is dead. His printer has been dead for at least 7 months now and it is still sitting on his desk. I told him that I was researching printers, and I'm going to get a new one (to go with my fancy new laptop). He lost a gasket!!! "I'm sure it can be fixed" he says. Uh, yeah, like yours?

So, I'm sitting here chuckling while he is over there throwing out four letter words, and shredding paper in the broken printer. He's been at it for about 10 minutes now, and just announced that it's dead. Thanks buddy. I was throwing out four letter words and shredding paper for 4 hours straight today. I also unscrewed the top and pulled it apart and still found nothing to make it jam. Please note, there is no screwdriver in my man's hand.

So, I better put some real pants on now. I'm sure the salesperson at Best Buy/Staples/Walmart/Target (where ever I end up) won't want to see my flannel pajama bottoms.

By FAR the best college radio song!

Every so often I find myself in this desperate attempt to connect with my past. This morning was one of those attempts. If you went to college in the late 80s, early 90s like I did, you might remember this song playing on your college radio station:

The Origin: Set Sails Free

Yes, I was one of those infamous annoying college DJs. I played anything and everything. I'm pretty sure I can still sing along with every Cure song from "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me". And don't tell anyone, but almost 20 years later, I still have my bootleg U2 and professional grade "cans" or headphones.

















Ah yes, a walk down memory lane!

Alrighty....

I hope you guys know that I was only joking about the hundred dollar bills!!! LOL! I meant to say thousand dollar bills :)

The Junkyard

Literally. That's where my ever-lovin' husband's car is going to end up. He had a minor fender bender last week and totaled his car. Thankfully, he wasn't hurt, and the folks he hit were not hurt. In fact, their car has a dent in the bumper. My husband's car? Totaled. Now, you might be asking how can one one total one's car in a minor fender bender. It's all in the air bags my friend. The second those air bags deploy, if the car isn't worth at least $4k, then the car is totaled.

Who knew that it was at least four THOUSAND dollars to replace air bags after they have been deployed? Geesh! And here's the kicker... hubby didn't even come in contact with the deployed air bag because his seat belt locked like it is supposed to do!

So, we are car shopping for a VERY used car.

After my laptop died last week, and now the car... we are accepting donations. Personally, I would like each reader to send in a box of $100 dollar bills. It doesn't have to be a big box...

Happy Easter!

Just taking a moment to wish everyone a Happy Easter!

R.I.P.

My dear laptop, my Inspiron 9300. My trusty friend. It has gone to Las Vegas with me, camping every weekend, Panera, the library... need I go on? It has officially bit the dust. Three different computer techs told me that repairing it would be in vain. For alas, it's time has come.

I am now relegated to using the kidlet's computer. The homepage is Barbiegirls.com and I've had to build a new bookmark tab just for mommy.

No more late nights in bed with Inspy. No more wishing the community pool had Wi-Fi. I'm now confined to a desk that is cluttered with Webkinz tags and lip gloss. *Sniff*

Rest in peace Inspy! You will be sorely missed, but your 5 years of service will be remembered fondly.

OK, so how much do laptops go for on eBay when you're selling them for scrap? Anyone?

Don't hit your sister with the noodle!!!

And other fun things you never in a million years thought you would say.

For some reason, the kidlets have been playing with the pool noodles. You know, those long foam things that you are supposed to sit on to float in the pool? Well, for sure a man invented these things, because you give a kid a long foam object, and I don't care how well behaved they are, they are going to hit each other with them. Kidlet #2 hit kidlet #1 in the face with the noodle, and suddenly, spewing out of my mouth are the words, "You know better than to hit your sister in the face with a noodle!"

Or how about this one: "Why are your shoes in the toilet?"

This is one of my all-time favorites: "No, I refuse to let my 7 year old get a nose-ring, even a fake one."

And the one that I still can't believe I had to say, "I seriously doubt that if you eat those crayons you will poop a rainbow."

What are some of the things you have said that you cannot believe you have said to your child> C'mon, I know there are a few good ones out there!