Sex and the Soccer Mom

Saint or Sinner?

2009-09-24T23:07:00.002-05:00

I'm a news junkie. I admit it. iGoogle is my home page, complete with ABC News, MSNBC, Fox News and CNN. (OK, I also have People and E Online in there too.)

Being a news junkie, I stay up late to watch not only my local news, but Nightline on ABC. Tonight was an intriguing report on infidelity and monogamy. There were some holy rollers on there, but there were also a few people that believe that we, as humans, are not wired to be monogamous.

I've been with the same man for almost 18 years, and then of course there's my husband. HA! Only kidding! My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years, and married for almost 15 years. In that time, I have always been faithful in body. But in mind and spirit? I've lusted, I've had crushes, but have never and would never act on them.

Which brings me to the point of the Nightline episode... Is it a sin to be lustful towards someone else if you are in a committed relationship? Does that make you a sinner or still a saint?

We've all heard the term, "Emotional Affair". But is it really an affair if you are not physically bound to the other person? Some would argue that emotional affairs are twice as damaging as a physical affair, and with good reason. If it was just about sex, then you can pretty much figure out what is wrong in the relationship. But if a partner is seeking an emotional attachment outside the confines of your relationship, then the soul and heart are crushed by the dead weight of the hurt in the mind. Repairing that relationship is an uphill battle.

I remember going through Pre Cana with my now husband. For those of you non-Catholics, Pre Cana is the Catholic program for marriage preparation. In Pre Cana, we discussed shared wants, philosophies, even birth control. But we never discussed the possibility of developing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that could be deemed as a sin. Strange.

So, are you a saint or a sinner? Take the poll on ABC News and find out. Click HERE to start the poll. And when you are done, only share the results with your partner if you turn out to be a Saint like me ;)

Why Cats and Men are alike but we prefer cats

2009-09-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

My entire life, I've been surrounded by cats. From our family cats, to the cats out at the barn where I rode and trained horses. Always purring, always there for a hug... you get the picture. I have two cats now, 14 year old full sisters, but as different as night and day. One of our cats is very friendly, a little dopey and just your basic lazy-ass cat. The other cat - the one who has attached herself to me - is quite finicky and rather bitchy. (Gee, I wonder why she likes me?)

I was thinking the other night that cats and men have a lot in common. Let me list the similarities:

~ They both purr when you pet them.
~ They will seek you out when they are hungry.
~ Thankfully, they usually bathe themselves.
~ They will stand at the door and howl when they want to go out with their friends.
~ When they are angry at you, they both will yell and sometimes hiss at you.

Now, the reasons we women prefer cats over men:

~ When you pet them, they ONLY purr.
~ They actually like to snuggle in bed with you.
~ They pretty much leave you alone.
~ They never argue with you.
~ They sit patiently when you talk to them and unload on them, and never interrupt.

I'm sure I could think of another five thousand reasons why cats are preferred by women, but as you can see by the spattering of items listed above, this is absolute proof as to why there are so many cats in a household that also includes a woman.

The Donkey, The Curling Iron & The Berries

2009-09-11T12:50:00.002-05:00

We had our last, blow-out camping trip of the year over Labor Day Weekend. The sun was shining, it was warm, and our campground was a blast! The kidlets found other kids their own age, and all was good! Then came the donkey, or I should say, donkeys.

Our campground featured a barn with llamas, shetland ponies and donkeys. Cute, right? Fun for the kids, right? And it was... until one of the donkeys started braying in the middle of the night... for three straight nights! Now, I have never heard a donkey in heat, or one that is seriously maimed, but that's what it sounded like! I swear, if grunting was involved in the braying, I would think that in a few months there would be little donkeys running around!

Then there was the curling iron. Each morning when I went into the bathroom to wash my face, there was this woman there, blow drying the wet counter (and she told her daughter not to put anything down on that wet, disgusting counter) and curling her hair. Her face was already painted like some toddler that goe into her mom's make-up. This was every morning!!!! Does this woman not realize that it's called CAMPING?!?!?!? No one cares what your hair and face look like! Nine out of ten times, you're not ever going to see these people again! Are there still women that VAIN out there? Seriously?

But the highlight of the weekend was after we got home and realized that the pretty berry tree we had the camper and van parked under was shedding berries. And the birds that were eating the berries, were also crapping the berries onto the camper and the van. My nice white camper and nice white van looked like someone was executed at point blank range in front of them! And I don't know how much you know about berry-soaked bird crap, but it's like trying to get cement off of a leaf! I finally resorted to the trusty power-washer.

Phew! All in all, it was a good time, and we will be returning to that fabulous campground, but next time, I'm going to request a site under a nice fir tree. And I'm going to be sure that there are no divas in the bathroom, and I'll be sure to bring with the ear plugs!

Starbuck's Mocha Frappucino... Jen's Way...

2009-08-15T21:01:00.002-05:00

I'm the first one to admit that I'm a Starbuck's snob. Oh, I make my own coffee at home, and use whatever French Roast is on sale, but I have to have my Starbuck's! It's always a toss between a Venti Non-Fat, No Foam Latte, or a Venti Mocha Frappucino (yes, I know they have 500 calories.)

I have put a twist on the Mocha Frappucino though, and I thought I would share it with all of you.

The next time you have a hankering for a Mocha Fappucino, ask them to add a banana. Now, you do NOT want a cream based drink. You have to specifiy the coffee based drink. Tell them they make it the same way they always do, but you want them to drop a banana in there before they blend it.

O - M - G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when you were young and you would get a banana split sundae? And towards the end, everything was just about melted and all you could taste was the banana and chocolate? It's like that, but for us adults, walking around with a Mocha-Banana Frappucino looks a lot better than walking around with a banana split sundae!

Enjoy :)

Who else misses "Friends"???

2009-08-10T00:12:00.002-05:00

It is after midnight, and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I was always an avid "Friends" watcher, and can pretty much answer any trivia question on the show, but it is my late night obsession with the reruns that really get me going.

I'm watching the one where Chandler sleeps through a meeting and accidentally agrees to be transferred to Tulsa. His expression is just priceless when he realizes what has happened!

And how about the episode where Ross wears black leather pants to a date, and he takes them off in the bathroom, but can't get them back on? So he calls Joey from his cell, and Joey recommends lotion, then baby powder. That has to be my ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!

My point to this post, is that it's good to still have things to laugh at, even when you are alone, on your couch, sometime after midnight.

When is a friend a friend, and when is a friend just awful?

2009-08-05T23:43:00.004-05:00

In the course of my (ahem) 40 years, I have been friends with a lot of people. My first friend was Therese. The story goes that my mom walked me next door to Therese's house the day she came home from the hospital, so technically, I have known her longer than her sisters, who were still at their grandparent's house.

My next dear friend was Christy. Christy and I did everything together - except when it came to getting our periods. We were at sleep away camp the summer between sixth and seventh grades, and she got her period and I freaked. Our friendship declined further until we were in our 30s and had a final arguement over our baby's schedules. (She was a nap and feeding tyrant, and I was the hippie, go-with-the-flow mommy.)

My next set of friends came in high school. We were a close knit bunch - not popular, not freaks, but somewhere in between. And after high school, we still all remained tight. Sorority sisters, college roomates... sure we had other loyal sisters in crime, but none knew each other better than the close knit bunch of high school.

Which brings us to present day. We all have kids, we all have minivans and husbands, and we all have email. For most of the close knit bunch, email serves the greater purpose - letting each other know when Junior gets his/her first tooth, when the next 1st communion is happening, etc, etc... For one member of our close knit bunch, email is not what a friendship makes. She expects everyone to see each other face to face at least a hundred times a year. Now, I don't know about you, but between soccer, softball, school, sex and sleep (which of course the latter two I know nothing about) I barely see the inside of my bathroom much less my close knit bunch.

This particular member of the close knit bunch sends a scathing email to the rest of the tight knit bunch, calling out a few of us, that continually turn down invitation after invitation to get together. Now, I must point out that the events she had planned were not to my liking. I mean, I'm not going to go do something if I don't want to, right? Then she points out that she has attended many an event that she did not want to go to. So why is that my fault?

Which brings me to the point of the post in the first place - When is a friend a friend, and when is a friend just plain awful? And how far does one need to go to ensure a lasting friendship? I mean, I know you have to work at marriage, but that's a no brainer - men are the lesser advanced of the sexes, so us women have to work to keep their men in line. Duh! But when you are friends with another woman, there is an unspoken rule that since estrogen flows 3 out of 4 weeks a month, no one really has to work at the friendship.

(Wow this post is getting long)

Alright, here is the ending... should we have to work at friendships this hard? Are some friendships meant to end, like when you move away when you're seven? How hard are you supposed to fight for a friendship? At the end of the day, I wish I had Socrates sitting next to me answer these questions.

Yesterday's Coffee

2009-07-23T22:20:00.003-05:00

When my ever-lovin' husband and I got married, we had the big ole wedding shower. My family, his family, friends, distant acquaintances of my grandmother - you get the picture. We got the most basic of coffee pots. Darn thing crapped out within the first year. Being DINKs back then (Dual Income No Kids, in case you were wondering) I splurged on a programmable coffee maker. Deluxe!!! I would set it at night, with my freshly ground beans, usually from Starbucks, and would wake up to the delicious aroma.

Now that I'm a full-time mom, who also works full-time at home, I still have the programmable coffee maker, but I also have kidlets who require every ounce of my energy 18 out of 24 hours a day. Thus, the coffee maker is no longer programmed because I forget, or I don't have the energy to scoop cheap coffee out of the tin before I go to bed. Nope, now my coffee is made when I wake up. And I sit there, like a crack addict waiting for the dealer to cut their share, for the darn thing to start so I can put my mug directly under the spout.

And every so often, when I'm really tired and lazy, I pour a mug of yesterday's coffee and nuke it in the microwave in the morning.

It would really be nice if my ever-lovin' husband would make me a pot of coffee before he leaves for work at the crack of dawn, but he doesn't know where the hamper is, much less the tin of cheap coffee.

The Anatomically Correct Boy Baby Alive

2009-07-19T12:04:00.003-05:00

Baby Alive has been around since the beginning of time. I remember mine well - the hours spent feeding her, changing her diaper, loving her. Ah yes, those memories served me well when my kidlets came along.

I have learned that the new Baby Alive dolls do pretty much the same thing as mine did. However, there is a Boy Baby Alive now. This boy baby live is anatomically correct. Complete with little penis and scrotum. My Girl Baby Alive didn't even have labia, much less a vagina.

I remember the "Archie Bunker's Grandson" doll that came out in the 70's and the havoc that spread across the country. That doll too was anatomically correct.

Personally, I think these dolls are great! What a way to start a dialog with your girl kidlets about boy anatomy!

Now, if we could just get Mattel to make anatomically correct Ken dolls (instead of the eunuchs they are now) we could teach our kids about sex... think of the possibilities - little condoms, little diaphragms...

Sex and the Soap Operas

2009-06-29T15:42:00.003-05:00

I admit it, I'm one of those SAHMs that watch soap operas. I'm an ABC addict. But what I'm realizing that last few months, is that they have an awful lot of sex on soap operas. More than the average person - not that I know what average is!

Or maybe that I just think that they are having an awful lot of sex because I'm having hardly any. I have a 9 year old kidlet that thinks my bed is their bed. If someone has some magic "children that sleeps in their own beds" trick out there, could you let me know?

I don't need to have soap opera sex - especially the part with multiple partners, but I think even my ever lovin' husband would like a night alone in our bed!

Are you a girly girl?

2009-05-01T09:07:00.002-05:00

I ask this question, because deep down, I'm a total girly girl. I love having perfect makeup and hair, a feminine outfit, matching shoes and purse (usually a Coach) and pretty perfume. Unfortunately, most people see me in yoga pants (with hot glue stains all over them) and some ratty, retro t-shirt.

But yesterday, I went with two dear friends to have mani/pedis. For an hour and a half, we chatted while our feet soaked and our hands massaged. It was LOVELY!!!!

I would think that even if your not a typical girly girl, you would still benefit from some serious girlfriend time. I think all women need to take time for themselves. Especially us full-time moms. Our lives revolve around our kidlets. Bless you if you have more than two like me and my girlfriends that I was with yesterday. We seriously don't know how you do it! I can barely keep track of my kidlet's activities, homework, friends, moods, etc....

Oh, and not to mention those husbands who constantly disrupt our lives!

So today, I challenge all you soccer moms out there to do one nice thing for yourselves this month. Be it a mani/pedi with girlfriends, or a long, leisurly walk with a sister. Whatever, just treat yourself once a month. It will re-engerize you!

Ling Ling Potstickers and Guacamole Doritos

2009-04-26T15:28:00.002-05:00

So here's the deal, I'm PMSing. That means that I go from cleaning every square inch of my house to eating. Then sleep. Lots of it. Get up, and repeat. My favorite thing to eat whilst PMSing was Guacamole Doritos:

Shame on the folks at Frito Lay for discontinuing this product. I hope they know that there are probably THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS of very angry PMSing women all over the world that curse their name at least once a month.

And in case you ask, no, guacamole dip and regular ole tostada chips are NOT the same. (Please note the anger in my voice.)

So I have resorted to Ling Ling Potstickers. Not quite the same combination of spicy and salty that my body craves, but none-the-less, fulfilling in their own way. The one thing that bugs me every time though, is that I prepare my potstickers according to the directions. But they still STICK. Mine never look like this:

Mine look like broken pieces of albino skin with pieces of vegetables and cabbage sticking out. That's not normal, right? A little dip in some soy sauce and they are good to go though.

OK, so share with me YOUR favorite PMSing food and activities...

You know you're out of shape when.....

2009-04-23T17:39:00.003-05:00

My oldest kidlet's softball team practices at a field 4 blocks from our house. This is 4 suburban blocks, not city blocks, so the field is really close. We decided to ride our bikes to the field yesterday. Since kidlet #1 just got a bigger bike, she is still a little unsteady on it. So I offered to throw the bat bag over my shoulder. Oh, I should also mention that I was also carrying a Venti Skim No-Foam Latte from Starbucks. Needless to say, this middle-aged mom is out of shape!!! My occasional trips to the treadmill in the basement are apparently not good enough! My things were BURNING as I peddled! I couldn't get up the small hill to the field, so I had to walk the bike up. I am sure every kid in that park was pointing and laughing :)

I did manage to salvage most of my latte and walk off the cramps during practice. But OIY that bike ride home was hell!!!

The Domesticated Husband

2009-04-20T18:49:00.002-05:00

Do you have one of these? Cooks a great dinner, knows how to do laundry, can even vacuum if prodded. However, anything mechanical is completely lost on him. This describes my ever lovin' husband.

The darling comes home from work today and I tell him that my printer is dead. His printer has been dead for at least 7 months now and it is still sitting on his desk. I told him that I was researching printers, and I'm going to get a new one (to go with my fancy new laptop). He lost a gasket!!! "I'm sure it can be fixed" he says. Uh, yeah, like yours?

So, I'm sitting here chuckling while he is over there throwing out four letter words, and shredding paper in the broken printer. He's been at it for about 10 minutes now, and just announced that it's dead. Thanks buddy. I was throwing out four letter words and shredding paper for 4 hours straight today. I also unscrewed the top and pulled it apart and still found nothing to make it jam. Please note, there is no screwdriver in my man's hand.

So, I better put some real pants on now. I'm sure the salesperson at Best Buy/Staples/Walmart/Target (where ever I end up) won't want to see my flannel pajama bottoms.

By FAR the best college radio song!

2009-04-17T08:54:00.002-05:00

Every so often I find myself in this desperate attempt to connect with my past. This morning was one of those attempts. If you went to college in the late 80s, early 90s like I did, you might remember this song playing on your college radio station:

The Origin: Set Sails Free

Yes, I was one of those infamous annoying college DJs. I played anything and everything. I'm pretty sure I can still sing along with every Cure song from "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me". And don't tell anyone, but almost 20 years later, I still have my bootleg U2 and professional grade "cans" or headphones.

Ah yes, a walk down memory lane!

Alrighty....

2009-04-17T08:53:00.001-05:00

I hope you guys know that I was only joking about the hundred dollar bills!!! LOL! I meant to say thousand dollar bills :)

The Junkyard

2009-04-16T09:19:00.002-05:00

Literally. That's where my ever-lovin' husband's car is going to end up. He had a minor fender bender last week and totaled his car. Thankfully, he wasn't hurt, and the folks he hit were not hurt. In fact, their car has a dent in the bumper. My husband's car? Totaled. Now, you might be asking how can one one total one's car in a minor fender bender. It's all in the air bags my friend. The second those air bags deploy, if the car isn't worth at least $4k, then the car is totaled.

Who knew that it was at least four THOUSAND dollars to replace air bags after they have been deployed? Geesh! And here's the kicker... hubby didn't even come in contact with the deployed air bag because his seat belt locked like it is supposed to do!

So, we are car shopping for a VERY used car.

After my laptop died last week, and now the car... we are accepting donations. Personally, I would like each reader to send in a box of $100 dollar bills. It doesn't have to be a big box...

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T08:29:00.001-05:00

Just taking a moment to wish everyone a Happy Easter!

R.I.P.

2009-04-06T20:26:00.004-05:00

My dear laptop, my Inspiron 9300. My trusty friend. It has gone to Las Vegas with me, camping every weekend, Panera, the library... need I go on? It has officially bit the dust. Three different computer techs told me that repairing it would be in vain. For alas, it's time has come.

I am now relegated to using the kidlet's computer. The homepage is Barbiegirls.com and I've had to build a new bookmark tab just for mommy.

No more late nights in bed with Inspy. No more wishing the community pool had Wi-Fi. I'm now confined to a desk that is cluttered with Webkinz tags and lip gloss. *Sniff*

Rest in peace Inspy! You will be sorely missed, but your 5 years of service will be remembered fondly.

OK, so how much do laptops go for on eBay when you're selling them for scrap? Anyone?

Don't hit your sister with the noodle!!!

2009-04-04T15:46:00.003-05:00

And other fun things you never in a million years thought you would say.

For some reason, the kidlets have been playing with the pool noodles. You know, those long foam things that you are supposed to sit on to float in the pool? Well, for sure a man invented these things, because you give a kid a long foam object, and I don't care how well behaved they are, they are going to hit each other with them. Kidlet #2 hit kidlet #1 in the face with the noodle, and suddenly, spewing out of my mouth are the words, "You know better than to hit your sister in the face with a noodle!"

Or how about this one: "Why are your shoes in the toilet?"

This is one of my all-time favorites: "No, I refuse to let my 7 year old get a nose-ring, even a fake one."

And the one that I still can't believe I had to say, "I seriously doubt that if you eat those crayons you will poop a rainbow."

What are some of the things you have said that you cannot believe you have said to your child> C'mon, I know there are a few good ones out there!

Racing between stop signs

2009-04-03T20:13:00.005-05:00

I don't get it. You give a man a navy blue car, with some really cool lights and antennas on top, and they think they can race from one stop sign to another. I live in a residential area (OK, that sounded stupid. What? As opposed to living in a non-residential area?) and there are a lot of moms waking strollers, kids, etc... you get the idea. Typical postcard suburb. It seems as though all the police officers in our town feel the need to speed between the 800+ stop signs that dot our streets. It really irritates me.

Now, before you call me one of "those" moms, that yells at every teenage driver speeding down the street. You'd be right. If the kidlets are outside playing, I'm like a mother lion. One blown tire, and if your speeding, my kidlet is toast.

And that goes for you too Mr. "I am the Law" police officer.

So the next time you see my white minivan (and by the way, never, and I mean never, blow off a mom in a minivan), you can be sure that I'm going to write down your plate number. Hell, I might even buy a radar gun ;)

Having one of "those" days.....

2009-04-02T15:31:00.004-05:00

You know the kind of day. The kind where the minute your husband walks in the door, he's going to ask you if your PMSing. I should say I'm having that kind of week. I swear there is a black cloud over my head.

My kidlets are being rotten, I had a huge order go south on me, and now my laptop is slowly dying. I've replaced the motherboard, screen and power cord. It's no longer a laptop, because if it's not positioned just so, with the power cord wrapped tightly, then it won't work. I don't dare turn it off at night anymore for fear it won't power up in the morning.

And if that wasn't enough, I can't remember the last time I showered. I can usually tell by how hairy my legs are, but I know I haven't shaved in weeks. And before you get all grossed out, it's still winter here in Chicago - no one knows what my legs look like! And no, my ever lovin' husband wouldn't know either!

So, that is my day - hope yours is going better!!!

I won the lottery

2009-03-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

(Again)

The Haitian lottery emailed me again to let me know I won a second lottery!!! I'm so excited!!!

Yet another story on why the CPSIA laws need to go....

2009-03-28T17:44:00.002-05:00

I belong to "Amend the CPSIA". You can read all about the new CPSIA laws by clicking on the orange type logo on the right ------------------->>>

I joined the fight because of my own business, www.jujinjess.com, but also because of what the new laws mean to folks who cannot afford to shop at regular retail stores. Thrift, second-hand and consignment stores are going to be the hardest hit. Thankfully my local Good Will has signs up that say they do not need to conform to the new laws, and I'm still able to buy my daughter's fair share of Abercrombie shirts there, but there are many other stores that are throwing all children's clothing and toys away. This means our landfills are going to burst with perfectly usuable children's clothing and toys.

Please read this mom's story, and you'll see how far these crazy new laws are going: Family Story

People Who Stand too Close

2009-03-27T13:38:00.003-05:00

I was just at the post office. Of course there was a line, so I'm standing there, counting ceiling tiles. A woman walks in and gets in line behind me. REALLY behind me. So close behind me that if she was any closer, she would be in front of me. I can smell her hairspray and her chewing gum. I take a step forward, but so much as I'm getting into the personal space of the man in front of me. And what does she do? She steps even CLOSER to me!

I hope she got a good whiff - I haven't showered yet today, nor have I put on deodorant.

Baby News!

2009-03-11T20:07:00.003-05:00

Don't get your undies in a bunch! It is SO NOT me!!! I haven't carried a diaper bag in 5 years, and have lost my ability to lactate. Nope, this uterus is closed for business.

Two news stories, involving babies, grabbed my attention today. First, Anne (I came from another planet) Heche and her man James (of course I would leave Coley Laffoon for him) Tupper became the proud parents of baby ATLAS. Yep, that's Atlas as in, "Honey, we're heading out on the road, have you seen the road ATLAS?" I usually don't make fun of celebrity baby names, but Atlas? There isn't even a good nickname for the poor kid. "Hey AT, wanna play some pick-up this afternoon?" Nope, that doesn't work. "Hey Las, wanna go make-out?" Don't see that happening. I think this poor woman's epidural worked a little too well and numbed her brain cells along with her spine.

The second news story that grabbed my attention was that Bristol Palin and baby-daddy Levi Johnston broke up just two months after the teens had their son. Well hit me over the head with a loaf of rye! I never saw that one coming (she says in full eye-roll). "Gee, mom is running for Vice President and I'm pregant... what am I gonna do? I know, we'll have mom's brand new, GOP paid publicist put a spin on it! We'll say that me and the baby-daddy are REALLY engaged! We'll have the GOP buy him a spankin' new suit and strut him on the stages with me! Yeah! That'll work!"

I see a movie deal for Bristol. I could only hope that Planned Parenthood uses pictures of both Bristol and Anne in their posters for birth control.

What did you give up for Lent?

2009-03-07T12:45:00.003-06:00

Lent, for my fellow Catholics, started on Ash Wednesday February 25th. It is tradition to give something up for Lent. Something that you, perhaps, enjoy. A friend of mine gave up Diet Coke. Another friend is doing a daily random act of kindness instead of giving up something. All good.

I decided to give up yelling at my kidlets. Not that I enjoying yelling at children, but it's something that I shouldn't be doing anyway, and I thought that 40 days of not yelling, might actually stop the yelling permanently.

That lasted approximately 4 minutes and 36 seconds.

So then I decided that I would give up yelling at my ever-lovin' husband. That went better. It lasted almost 12 hours!

So now I'm doing a random act of kindness daily. Today, my random act of kindness involves this: Spreading the word about this fantastic website I found!!! If you love quirky t-shirts, you will love Cotton Factory! And the prices are phenominal!!! So check them out!

Really, if anything, you will get a good chuckle :)

The "Made Up" Moms at School

2009-03-04T10:14:00.002-06:00

I just don't get it. I really don't. It's 8am, and your taking your kidlets to school. You walk them up to the door, and there they are. The "Made Up" moms. You know the type - freshly showered, dressed in designer jeans and heeled boots, hair perfectly coiffed, and make up flawlessly in place. What the???? What time do these ladies wake up in the morning to achieve that?

When I was working outside the home, I could look that way too by 8am. But we are talking about a bunch of SAH moms here. Personally, I look forward to my shower when I get home from taking the kidlets to school. No "mom, mom, mom" when I'm shaving. No one walking into the bathroom asking me where their math book may be hidden. No interruptions. Period. I savor that morning shower every day.

In the afternoon, you will find me at pick-up showered and clean, but I'm not there to impress anyone, so don't expect make up and coiffed hair every day. (Oh, and I probally have stubbly legs under my discount jeans.)

Such a WASTE of a rose!!!

2009-03-03T17:27:00.006-06:00

So I've been watching the Bachelor. I mean face it, who hasn't been watching? Even my ever lovin' husband got into it this season. Now, I knew that he was going to dump Melissa - it was all over the web. But what a WASTE of a good rose!

Then I had this monumental thought!

Maybe they hand out roses because roses die quickly! I mean, if the relationship was going to last, wouldn't they hand out carnations? Or how about a nice silk flower if they were thinking forever?

Speaking of silk flowers, I have these cuties in my Etsy store:

Click on my link there ------------->
And mention you saw it on my blog, and get 20% off :)

So, back to The Bachelor... what bombshell is going to be dropped tonight? After The Rose Part 2
Do we really need a part 2?

So I fell down the stairs today

2009-03-02T19:41:00.002-06:00

I work from home, right? So working from home includes the occasional laundry break (I drink coffee all day long, so taking an actual coffee break isn't time conducive). Well, lo and behold, I finally did it. Falling that is. Down the stairs. With the full laundry basket. Right onto my bad shoulder.

I'm in pain.

Mention the "Graceful" fall in any private message to me on Etsy, eBay or Bonanzle, and get 30% any item.

Yeouch.

I'm like a lost sheep

2009-03-02T12:17:00.003-06:00

So where have I been for the last 2 months? I feel like a little lost sheep... where's my border collie?

The last two months have been a whirlwind of eBay listings, uploading eBay listings to Bonanzle, and opening a shop on Etsy. If you haven't checked out these two new, amazing sites yet, please do so!!! Bonanzle is a great alternative to eBay. Lower prices for both buyers and sellers, and friendly, fun people!

Etsy is for anything handcrafted. And don't think your grandmother's church craft fair with crochet doilies. Nope, this is the real deal. Check out my shop ------>>>> and then check out other folks' shops. I found the most wonderful handcrafted Valentine's Day cards, and for less than I could have purchased at Hallmark :)

But you didn't come hear to read up on my business adventures!!! You want some blurb or something random that we can all find humor in, right?

I turned 40 a few weeks ago. Yay. Now, for those of you that know me personally, you already know that I could care less about birthdays. It's just a number, right? I mean, internally I feel like I'm still somewhere around 25, so no biggie. My ever lovin' husband and kidlets got me a book and a new computer game. Woo hoo!!!

But my BIG birthday gift was the new TV. Yep. Our oldie but goodie crapped out two weeks before my birthday, It was one of those HUGE tube version RCA's, 14 years old and counting. So instead of a nice spa weekend for me, in honor of my 40th, I got a new 40" LCD (free Blue Ray player with purchase). Yay me.

Oh, and I almost forgot. My cat gave me a lovely gift also. She puked all over my office.

No honey, I wasn't watching that....

2009-01-02T19:13:00.002-06:00

I love my husband, I really, really do. But....

(There's always a but, right?)

One of his biggest vices, is walking into the family room and asking me for the remote. "Well, I was sort of watching this." I reply. He then will pick up the remote, and hit "record" on the DVR. He then proceeds to flip through all 800+ channels and usually settles on something like "Hair Bands of the 80's" on VH-1 or "NHL Classics" on some obscure ESPN channel. He'll watch for approximately 5.6 seconds, and then sets the remote down and walks out of the room.

Now, I usually pick up the remote and change it back to the channel I was originally watching. But tonight, I decided to ask him if he was coming back into the room. "No, why?" he responded. "No reason honey."

My goal for 2009

2009-01-02T00:06:00.002-06:00

Hello blog readers! I know I've been away, but between the kidlets, the hubby and myself, it's been non-stop illness in our house!

So, I've decided that for 2009, my main goal, is to be a trophy wife. I am going to do everything in my power to be beautiful, have a clean house, well-behaved children, and be totally taken care of. I'm still creating my decidedly difficult plan, but rest assured fellow blog readers, there will be a plan.

I have only one resolution for 2009 - find and maintain inner peace. Maybe a trip to the Dali Lama is called for?

Abstaining, I SO need it!!!

2008-11-13T08:35:00.002-06:00

It all comes down to this. 12 hours. From 1:30am until 1:30pm. The dreaded abstinence. The time in which one must abstain from all food and drink only black coffee (blech) or water, prior to one's blood work-up. I haven't had a physical in a few years, so it's about time. Why is it when you CAN'T have food, you want it the most??? I usually don't eat during the day at all, sans a small bowl of cereal, but I woke up this morning famished!

Is a really tiny little teaspoon of sugar, and a drop of half-and-half really going to screw up my blood work? I mean, really?

What a long strange trip it's been

2008-11-11T08:47:00.002-06:00

So much has happened in the last month. So much. Almost too much. My dear grandmother passed away, my mom and her customers narrowly missed serious injury (or even being killed) at her store, and then my dad was hit by a van. Thankfully he's on the road to recovery also.

I don't mean to be a downer, really I don't. It's just that nothing funny has happened lately. Nothing to make me smile devilishly and make me want to post about it.

The Flag, The Screw & The Brain

2008-10-06T20:42:00.002-05:00

So, if you are a suburban mom like I am, you decorate for each and every holiday. This entails taking the American Flag down for several weeks so that your decorative holiday flag and get it's share of time on the flagpole. We have been experiencing flagpole problems. Our dear American Flag lost it's attachment thingy on the bottom, so I sewed a grommet and attached a niftly little clip to the flagpole in an effort to keep it from twisting.

So after carefully arranging my corn stalks (and why does the grocery store call them "shalks"?) and tying them with a pretty hand-made bow by yours truly, and hanging my darling Halloween sign on the door, and arranging a pretty table with black tablecloth and pretty mum plants, I went to change out my flag. And that's when I found it. The screw.

It seems as though hubby decided that my hand sewn grommet was not to his liking. He decided to SCREW (with a washer for added effect no less) the flag to the flagpole. Now, my first thought was, "OK, I will unscrew the flag and hang my Halloween flag." Nope. No can do. Because now the entire contraption that actually holds the bottom of the flag to the pole is gone.

So my next thought was this... "I wonder how my husband can go all day without getting a headache? Because his brains are in is ASS!"

Seriously? What the hell??? Does anyone else have to deal with this level of stupidity daily?

October is Here! Yay?

2008-10-03T09:16:00.002-05:00

It's that time of the year again... leaves starting to change, baseball playoffs, high school homecomings, and the dreaded costume challenge. Last year the kidlets went as a Celtic Princess and a Devil, very fitting if you know my kidlets. This year they both want to go as Sharpei from High School Musical. And they are fighting. Over who gets to be Sharpei. Now, the littlest kidlet would be an awesome Sharpei, the older kidlet, not so much. So as a mom, how do you tactfully tell an 8 1/2 year old that she isn't Sharpei? Well, you don't. So I told neither of them can be Sharpei.

Whatever happened to being a witch? Oh wait, that's my everyday costume!

The "Guys" Weekend

2008-09-29T10:39:00.003-05:00

My ever-lovin' hubby just returned from his annual "guy's weekend camping trip". He is full of testesterone now, and sporting 3 days growths. He is wearing the same clothes today as he was on Friday at 5am when he left. He feels manly, re-charged even.

I, on the other hand, spent 3 glorious days with the kidlets. We did Build-A-Bear, Claire's (where all the rage are the fake eyeglasses, and we are now the proud owner of 3 pairs), Limited Too, Nordstrom's, McDonald's, Marshalls, etc..... I also went to soccer games, softball games, and still had the energy to do mani/pedis on my girls. I did 3 loads of laundry, re-organized a closet, and cleaned up cat puke.

So my question is this - why don't the moms ever get an annual "girl's weekend trip"? Oh, I already know the answer to that. But I'm curious if any of you actually do a weekend trip away with your girlfriends. Seriously. If you do, please post back to my post. I want to live vicariously through all of you.

My answer to the question is this: I could go away for weekend, sans kids and hubby, but then I would return to 10 loads of laundry, dishes in the sink, crap laying in every single room, non-bathed kids, forgotten soccer and softball games, cats that haven't been fed in 3 days, etc, etc, etc...

So ANY relaxation at all, would be down the crapper in the first 5 minutes of being home! It just isn't worth it!

So instead of going away for a weekend with my friends, I decided to treat myself to new Ugg boots this weekend. Ah yes, my idea of some estrogen injection - a great pair of expensive shoes!

Parking Lot Etiquette

2008-09-22T09:15:00.002-05:00

So here's the deal. Us moms have an agenda. Get in and get out. When it comes to shopping or running errands when the kidlets are in school, we don't mess around. (Of course if you are talking a leisurely walk around the outlet mall, that's different.) What ruins our schedule every time are the Parking Lot Misfits. These are the folks that walk at a snails pace down the center of the aisle. They don't care that you can't reach any parking spaces, much less actually park the car. Then there are the folks that let their kids run around the parking lot willy nilly. You are so busy watching out for their kids, that you miss the open parking spot to the left.

And lastly, you have the folks that drive about a half a mile an hour down the aisle, and you stuck behind them. You can't go around them because they are smack dab in the middle of the aisle. It's like if they drive slow enough, they will get a coveted spot.

I swear, my schedule has been screwed up so many times from folks like this! Don't they realize that I have soap operas to watch and bon bons to eat?

I am officially a "Soccer Mom"

2008-09-06T19:42:00.002-05:00

It's official. The youngest kidlet started soccer, and today was her first soccer game! She donned her red jersey, shin guards and cleats. Then applied bright blue eye shadow and lip gloss before she took the field. At only 6, she is definitely a Sarah Jessica Parker in the making. I am certain that she will be on the big screen before Suri Cruise.

So, as much as like I like to snark like a Soccer Mom, I am now officially one.

The game was awesome! 10 little girls running around and trying to kick that ball. More often than not, kicking each other or some harmless blades of grass. The true highlight of the game came in the second half when my kidlet scored a goal! Too bad is was the opposing teams goal, but it was a goal nonetheless. Kidlet seemed to zone out during the part when the coach was telling them that they were now to score in the opposite goal than when they first started the game. I think she was reapplying lipgloss. Hey, gotta look good out there!

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Mommy Happiness!

2008-09-04T10:05:00.002-05:00

Wow! It has been an entire month since I have written! It's not that I have had nothing to say - let's face it, I ALWAYS have something to say! But we have been very busy. We decided to move. We have been mulling over this decision for months, and then this GREAT house became available, just a few blocks from the kidlets school. So, needless to say, we had to pack, move and then try to get the old house ready to sell. We're still in the process. But it's only been a week and a half, so I'm confident that the old house will be on the market in the next year or so!

Then the kidlets started school last week. Yep, right smack dab in the middle of moving. Can you say chaos! No one wanted to sleep, no one wanted to go to school, and that's just me! The kidlets were not cooperative in the least. And hubby and I finally figured out why we have no money in the college savings accounts - we moved no less than 20 Rubbermaid bins filled with toys. We must have at least $5k invested in Barbies alone. Moms with boys, I cheer you on!

That's all I've got for now, but check back later. I have a comment or two about Parking Lot Ettiquette that I need to brush off my shoulders!

Have a Happy Period!

2008-08-05T21:48:00.002-05:00

Have you seen this commercial yet? A woman skipping through her day, and then the tag line is, "Have a Happy Period. Always." Who is the dumbass that thought this up? Must have been a man. There is nothing happy about having your monthly friend. (Well, except back in the day when you did the happy dance when you FINALLY got your period, if you know what I mean.) But c'mon! Telling a woman to have a happy period is like telling a man to have a happy proctology exam! Let's see, between the sore breasts, bloating, cramping, and oh yeah, the actual bleeding, what is so happy about it? Every time I get my period, should I thank the mother earth that I am woman, able to reproduce, bear the fruit of my man and able to carry on mankind? No. Every time I get my period, I can't fit into a pair of shorts. Then I search for the guacamole Doritos (which I can't find because Doritos discontinued them) and when I can't find them, I eat five Hershey bars. Happy? No. Miserable? Yes. And I don't need a stupid commercial to remind me that I should be happy.

OK, off my rant now. Give me another 3 1/2 days and I will post something nice again.

Weed

2008-07-17T14:02:00.002-05:00

Remember when the word "weed" was a good word? Ah yes, the word invoked Pink Floyd, someone's bedroom (with standard towel shoved underneath the door jam) and a dryer sheet tucked into an end of an empty paper towel roll. Ah, youth! Giggling at your friend's skinny ankles that you, completely baked, just now noticed. Or that lyric that just churned out on the record player (remember those?) that had everyone pondering the meaning of life.

No, the weed I'm referring to is the Creeping Charlie that has invaded my life. Every single one of my gardens, and I have many, is infested with this damn weed! I have just spent the last 6 1/2 hours weeding gardens, and I'm only about 1/2 way done. This sucks. I seriously wish I had some of that other weed right now, because maybe the time would go by faster. Oh wait, that kind of weed makes everything slow down.

So, out to my gardens I go. Thankfully my kidlets are still unaware of weed, because otherwise while I'm pulling them, they would probably be in the house smoking them. Like what was happening back in the day.

A Mullet By Any Other Name....

2008-07-13T21:41:00.002-05:00

We are vacationing in Michigan for a long weekend. And of course not only did I bring the laptop with, I also vehemently people watch. We were at the beach, and littlest kidlet needed to potty. So I stand in line with a sand-covered, bronzed six year old, waiting for the next available stall to open. There stood in front of us was a mom with her son. The tyke couldn't have been more than four, but he sprouted a mullet from his round little head. His bangs were uber-short, as was the rest of the hair on his head. The hair on the back of his head was half-way down his back. I sized up mom and realized then where the mullet came from. Mom is wearing a standard mom-issued skirted tankini, but unlike myself, she had the strangest tattoo on her shoulder. Now, I am certainly not looking down on anyone with a tatoo (I secretely desire one myself, but that is another post and I digress), it's just HER tatoo that had me pondering. On her shoulder was Minnie Mouse, er, uh, a WELL endowed Minnie Mouse holding a bong. Minnie's eyes were glassy and she was holding her skirt up on one side to reveal a garter belt and nothing else.

So, ladies, please. A little decorum. Should you find yourself with a tattoo that is rather, um, questionable, please visit a plastic surgeon and have it removed. Or else you might feel compelled to think that mullets are just fine.

Dusting off the Sex Toys

2008-07-10T00:38:00.003-05:00

You know you haven't done it in a while when you go to close your bedroom door for a little privacy and you have to move:

1. A box of Barbies
2. Two saddled American Girl horses
3. A laundry basket full of clean clothes from two weeks ago
4. Approximately 4 of your husband's dress shirts waiting to be ironed, hanging from each doorknob
5. One soccer shoe, children size 13
5. Your husbands dress shoes that of course, smell

And because you made so much noise moving all this stuff, you now have to relocate one half-asleep 8 year old back to her bed.

Mission accomplished!

Little Nipples

2008-07-08T16:41:00.002-05:00

I found myself alone for a few hours today, so I parked myself in an over-sized chair and helped myself to an over-sized, over-priced cup of coffee at the neighborhood Starbucks. I was planning on writing, but brought along the latest of my summer reads instead. One of the barristas was this skinny guy, in his 20s maybe? Anyway, he had on this tight white, lycra t-shirt. Let's just say that the coffee shop was air conditioned. And let's just say that that this guy was not wearing a padded bra. Being the people watcher that I am, I couldn't help but stare at his nipples. He had the SMALLEST nipples I have ever seen! Now, I'm not a nipple connesouir by any means, but these things were like little soldiers standing at attention to the best of their abilities. And because the lycra tee was white, you could see the outline of the areaola. And they were damn small as well. Huh. I wonder if this guy's girlfriend (and or boyfriend) has ever told him to stop wearing these types of shirts. Or maybe they are the reason he DOES wear these types of shirts! LOL! Blech!

OK, this is weird. I should stop. See what happens when kids are on summer vacation? Their mom's minds turn to mush.

Divorce at the Drive Through

2008-06-23T17:00:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not divorcing! But McDonald's drive through almost caused World War III in this house! I'm a full-time mom, so I'm used to dealing with the drive through at most fast food restaurants. But my loving husband decided to go through the drive through at McDonald's on Saturday. (By the way, he has done this before, he wasn't entering virgin territory here. Trust me folks, the man eats his share of Mickey D's.) He comes home with what is supposed to be 2 six piece McNugget Happy Meals, 2 kids Sprites, 2 ranch sauces, a crispy Southwest salad, 1 large ice tea (not that sweet tea crap) with lemon, and a quarter pounder value meal for himself.

I am going through the bags and happy meal cartons. No ranch sauce. Enter a screaming 6 year old. No toy in one box. Enter a screaming 8 year old. My ice tea? Yep, a sweet tea (blech). The only thing that my significant other got correct was his meal. So I tell him he has to go back. I get the look from hell like I just asked him to drive to Russia for some caviar. McDonald's is less than a mile from our house. I explain to him that it's his own dumb ass fault for not checking the bags and boxes before he pulled away. He then starts lecturing me on how, if people did their job correctly, and actually took pride in their job, then mistakes like this wouldn't happen.

Uh, hello? We're talking McDonald's here sweetie, not Nordstroms. I gently remind him that the three women in his life (which only one is speaking rationally, the other two are now on the floor in full-blown temper tantrums) would be a hell of a lot happier if he had taken the time to check the bags.

So, being the mom that I am, I take the receipt and car keys and go back to McDonalds. I get the missing toy, my correct ice tea (with 2 lemons thank-you-very-much) and ranch sauce. And because they were apologetic, I scored 3 free chocolate shakes. When I walked in, the kids cheered up and were thrilled with their free desserts. Hubby on the other hand asked where his shake was. With one eyebrow raised ever so slightly, I told him that I didn't check the bag before I left.

Summer Vacation Day 1

2008-06-12T10:16:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for the sleeping in! Kiddos are still in early mode and woke me up at 7:30am. Thankfully there was only one hitting incident, but it's early, only 10:30am. Now I must go navigate Target with them. God give me strength to say no to Moon Sand!

Last Day of School!

2008-06-11T22:03:00.002-05:00

Woo Hoo?

It's only been 7 hours since the kiddos were released to my summer custody, and already we're whining and fighting. Of course it's also ten o'clock at night and they are in need of some serious sleep. I'm fairly confident that summer vacation was created by a man. A man who works 5 days a week and only interacts with his children from the hours of 6pm to 8:30pm.

You hear about these moms that have drinking problems, or who smoke pot all day long. Well DUH! I can totally see this! I get it!

And while we're on the subject of man's creations - Polly Pockets... WTF? How many little itty bitty rubber shoes can one possibly pick up before one reaches for the vacuum?

When it Rains, Men Sit on Their Asses

2008-05-30T19:26:00.002-05:00

The dryer is broken. OK, it's not exactly broken, but something is burning inside the motor. It's only two years old, and the rocket scientist I'm married to decided he could fix it. (You can imagine me rolling my eyes, right?) So he opened up the back and then decided that he didn't want to mess around and I should call a repairman. Ya think?

So the repairman can't come until Monday. No big deal. I always have a clothesline going in the backyard, so I hung up two more and have been zipping through the laundry as usual. Yesterday evening I decide to do a few errands and leave said rocket scientist home with the kidlets. By the time I got home, it was pouring.

You guessed it. Three clotheslines full of clothes and bedding that WERE almost dry are now soaking wet. All because my husband cannot do two things at once - watch the kids (and it's not like their toddlers for Heaven's sake, they are 6 and 8) AND take clothes off the lines!

Why oh why are men so one-dimensional??? I didn't say a word. I just went out into the pouring rain and took down my soaking wet laundry. And then he wonders why he doesn't have any clean (or dry) underwear this morning....

Attention new moms!

2008-04-28T10:18:00.003-05:00

There is this little burger joint in the heart of our town's downtown area that is a popular hang-out with the bike-riding kid crowd. I was there on Saturday with my eight year old, her friend, and my twelve year old niece. Being girls, we were all laughing and having a great time over our cheese fries. There were tables full of kids that are allowed to ride their bikes to the main strip in town, indulging on chocolate malts and kid banter. Sitting behind my girls was this couple with a new baby. New Mom was standing, bouncing baby, shushing baby, and trying to get baby to sleep. All the while, she is shooting me (the only other mom in the place) these dirty looks like, "Can't you quiet your children? I'm trying to get my baby to sleep!" And of course I'm shooting her looks back like, "Uh honey, if you want your baby to sleep, take baby home!"

So, a call out to all new moms.... I don't care that you come waltzing into our burger joint with your stroller, babysling, breastfeeding cover-up and diaper bag stuffed with a month's worth of supplies! This is a hang-out for our children. That sweet little baby of yours is going to eventually grow up to be a noisy kid that is going to laugh and talk loudly. They will likely wake up a sleeping baby or two in their lifetime. You have GET OVER IT! And if you want your baby to sleep, go home, lay in your bed and put the baby to the breast and fall asleep yourself. At least, that is what always worked for me! Oh, and one more thing, you don't need a diaper bag stuffed to the gills. Really, you don't. All that diaper bag does is hurt your shoulder and scream NEW MOM HERE!

I'm only going to say this once!

2008-04-14T13:28:00.002-05:00

Kendall is stupid for telling Zach she slept with Aidan. Greenlee is just a dumbass all together (and by the way, the "old" Greenlee should have stayed gone). Adrianna is a bitch and needs to f* off. Rex and Gigi will end up together, happily ever after. And Cole? He's twice as big as nasty old Todd, why doesn't he just take him?

Us moms do watch soap operas, don't let anyone tell you different. The reason why they don't tell you is that they don't want you to think that we sit on the couch eating bon-bons while we do it. We use our DVRs wisely... we multi-task. Especially us moms that work from home. It's amazing how much work you can get done on the computer while sitting on the couch, watching soaps and eating bon-bons!

Quick update!

2008-04-03T11:57:00.002-05:00

Some of my readers have asked about Tricia - the woman waiting for a double lung transplant. She received her new lungs overnight! Please continue to pray for Tricia, her husband Nate, and their baby girl who was born 15+ weeks early because of her mom's CF. You can read all about this wonderful little family on Nate's blog: Confessions of a CF Husband

Also, please keep the family of the donor in your prayers. Their loss means life for others. The decision they made was hard, but means so much. God give them the strength to grieve, and know the gift they have given others. If you haven't signed up to be an organ donor yet, please do so. You can visit your Secretary of State's website and sign up there. Also please let your family know your intentions.

It's that time of the year!

2008-04-03T11:45:00.002-05:00

I had plenty of time to shower this morning, and shave every area that was in need (you have to realize that being Italian, the shaving process can take anywhere from a 5 minute touch up, to an entire 15 minutes of fine grooming). I slipped on clean cotton underwear, great jeans and a top, and I was off! A touch of lip gloss, and I was READY!

It's the annual gynecological appointment!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over the past 15 years, I've had my fair share of time in the stirrups. From pre-cancerous cells on my ever-lovin' cervix that needed to be removed, the bi-monthly paps that followed for a year, to the oh-so-wonderful infertility treatments, I think everyone in the state of Illinois and then some, has seen my crotch. I used to not worry about the grooming part, but then I thought, "Geez, my doctor sees hundreds of these things every day, why not make it look pretty?"

Oh, I'm not a Brazillian type of gal, but when you're a hairy Italian, you need to keep things in check. And besides, pool season is coming. So, I try to keep groomed, even in the winter and non-swimsuit seasons.

But the funniest thing happened BEFORE I got up into the stirrup room. I am sitting in the waiting room, which is filled with enormously pregnant women. There is a woman sitting across from me, with her 3 year old son. The kid had little cars and was making zoom-zoom noises, but high-pitched. Like glass-shattering squeals. You could tell that at nine months pregnant, that mom was getting a little irritated. Then I hear the about-to-burst woman next to me say, "I just can't wait! Imagine our little man playing like that one day!" to her husband as she rubs her belly. Oh brother! Is she in for a culture shock! Wait until Junior runs his metal cars across her dining room table, leaving gouges behind!

Well, this year is behind me. I'm sure next year there will be another little diddy I can post about. After all, there is something rather amusing about seeing enormously pregnant women while you are wearing a pair of slimming jeans with heels!

And the Bad Mommy award goes to....

2008-03-31T09:48:00.002-05:00

ME of course! I had kicked the kidlets and the husband out so I could work on our taxes when the phone call came. "Are you guys coming?" I quickly flip through the family calender and see it there in red permanent marker, "J's Birthday Party 1-4pm". My 6 year old's best little girlfriend. I blew it. I completely forgot about J's birthday party! ARGH!!!!!

But what I want to know, is why is this type of thing all the mom's fault? Why wasn't my other half responsible in some way? He remembered his boy's night out on Saturday, why couldn't he have remembered the birthday party? I laid in bed last night with the worst mommy guilt. How the Hell would I explain this to my daughter before she faced J at school in the morning? While I stared at the ceiling at 2am, the other half was snoring away!

So now I'm sitting here hitting myself over the head, thinking of ways to make it up to both girls. A trip to Build A Bear? A trip to Libby Lu? How about if I just hand each of them a $50 and call it a day? I'm sure my other half is sitting at his desk, worrying about the same thing. (Yeah, right.)

So does mommy guilt ever go away? Is this why we end up in therapy? I love therapy by the way, and highly recommend it!

************************************************************************************

On a serious note, please continue to think good thoughts and pray (if you are the praying type) for Tricia and Nate. They received word last night that a set of lungs were available only to learn in the wee hours of the morning that they weren't suitable for Tricia. Bless the family that made the choice to donate organs! Please sign the back of your driver's license and tell your family your wishes to be an organ donor.

To read about Tricia, Nate & their beautiful baby girl, please visit: Confessions of a CF Husband

The New "Nooner"

2008-03-28T01:29:00.002-05:00

Remember those pre-kids days when you could sit and watch TV, whether it be Friends, Seinfeld or porn, any old time of the day? Well here I am at 1:30am watching some adult TV. No, not porn! But stuff that I wouldn't want my kids to see or hear. They have heard the word, "SEX" more times that I care to admit, but I have yet to have the question asked. And that is fine with me.

(As the mother of two girls, with more curiosity than most, I had an abbreviated tampon talk with them once. They see the book, "The Care and Keeping of You" as a bedtime story.)

I digress.

So, my new nooner is usually around midnight, with my DVR and my remote. So when I hear the word "SEX" I can remember the good old days. When I had some. At midnight. And not watching others doing it on TV.

Spring Break

2008-03-26T09:51:00.002-05:00

It is that time of the year again! Spring break! This is definitely a "man" made thing. Us moms? Nope. The kids would be in school year round without a day's break if you ask me. Not that I don't love my children. I do! But when they are at home, without the structure of the daily grind, they turn into fighting, whining little brats. And I say that in the most sincere of ways!

But what has really gotten to me is the mess in the house. Everywhere I look there are dirty socks, empty cups, video games, and just a mess everywhere I go! And that is just the mess my husband leaves behind! With the girls home, I have Webkinz, Barbies, American Girl dolls, dress-up clothes, baby dolls, clothes (should I go on?) laying all over the place.

Since both children have been nothing but sick this past winter (I am on a first name basis with both school nurses, and all 4 pediatricians in the practice), I vowed that the three of us would stay home this week and stay away from certain childhood cesspools of infections. That lasted a day. My father in law asked if he could take the girls to this local indoor fun park yesterday, and of course I couldn't resist a few hours of silence!

Well, I best be getting to the vacuum. If I can find it. Under the candy wrappers and dirty socks.

I just love it when....

2008-03-13T09:07:00.002-05:00

No one is sick in the house! Oh my! I don't know about you, but this winter sicko season has been horrible in our house! It started with the snotty noses and lovely lung butter that accompanies every damn cough. Then it manifested itself into the "headache/fever/sinus" flu. Daughter #2 was affected first. Had her home an entire week with a headache and fever. Then the following week, it was daughter #1's turn. Yep, home the entire week. Just when I thought I would finally have a "normal" week - I got hit with it. That was just two weeks ago, and now daughter #1 has pink eye. Does it ever end?

It's supposed to be in the 50s here in the Chicago area today and I plan on opening up every window and changing all the bedding. I have also warned the kiddos that they have to be bleeding out of their eyeballs to take another sick day before the end of the school year.

Oh, and the end of the school year is being pushed back by almost a week because of all the snow days. I'm not sure yet if having the kiddos in school an extra week is a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is that I can't wait until the lazy days by the community pool start again!

(I know, not really funny today, but when you've been dealing with the crud for the past two months, there is nothing funny to say!)

For Tricia ---

2008-03-10T20:42:00.002-05:00

I've been reading this incredible blog for a while now. A wonderful, courageous woman named Tricia who is in a full blown battle with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and awaiting a lung transplant. In the meantime, her beautiful baby girl is in the NICU, gaining weight and smiling for her daddy.

I'm sharing a few comments for Tricia...

- I can't wait until your baby girl throws up in the car for the first time and even though you powerwash the interior, you smell spoiled milk puke smell for months.

- I can't wait until your baby girl says, "mommy" "mommy" "mommy" over and over again, so many times, that you want to change your name your name to Myrtle.

- I can't wait until your baby girl tells you she wants to take ballet, soccer, karate and art - all in the same week, and you sign her up for all of them because you don't want to stifle any creativity or talent in your three year old.

- I can't wait until your baby girl's first day of Kindergarten. You'll laugh, you'll cry. And then you'll realize that life is starting over again for you.

- I can't wait until there is no more CF in the world, and that your baby girl will never know a world where her mom has CF.

- I can't wait until your baby girl makes you a grandma with her own baby girls.

Stay strong Tricia. Make your own destiny. Visualize where you want to be tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. Laugh in life's jokes. Find comfort in shadows - for shadows are nothing without the light that shines behind them.

And always have faith in our God, because He still very much has faith in you.

(All my bestest wishes to Tricia, Nathan and baby Gwyneth. You are always in my heart and prayers!)

No Invite to the Orgy

2008-02-15T14:14:00.002-06:00

Did you know that the word Orgy originates from the Greeks and Romans? Go figure! and the word orgy actually means, "A revel involving unrestrained indulgence". So when our annual invitation to our school's biggest fundraiser, the annual auction, came in the mail, I had thoughts of auctions of the past. Open bar, plenty of laughing, eating WAY too much, just an overall good, adult time with our friends.

So imagine my surprise that my group of "friends" had already rsvp'd an entire table without us! It's embarrassing enough when your husband turns you down for sex in favor of the new Playstation game, but when your friends don't invite you to the orgy? How do I show my face at the next school board meeting?

So what does this mean? Am I a social outcast? Was my suggestion of doing body shots last year in bad taste? Do I smell? So I had to ask, right? All I got was shrugged shoulders and a quick change of conversation. I still need to get to the bottom of this.

But let me ask this... when the moms get shunned, does this mean that the children should be shunned as well? When does the shunning stop? Are there rules for shunning? I don't believe Miss Manners has ever covered the adult orgy shun. Hmmm.... maybe I should look through the back issues of the Playboy Advisor for this one!

My HOT Date

2008-01-27T22:58:00.000-06:00

Can you hear the porn music in the background? Hubby and I found ourselves alone last night with the kiddos spending the night with my sister. I slipped on this little black lacy number before we went out to dinner. I was feelin' it - if you know what I mean. We got up to leave and I REALLY felt it. On the right side. Starting in my lower back, going all the way down my right leg. Yep. I threw my back out shoveling snow earlier in the day.

So when we got home, obviously hanky panky was out of the question. I could barely sit, much less sit on... well... let's leave that to the imagination. So instead of having a hot date with hubby, I had a hot date with Mr. Heating Pad. And here I am more than 24 hours later, still lovin' it up with the heating pad.

But let's talk about hot dates with your spouse for a moment. Now, with small children, usually you only get a moment alone, right? So it's got to be fast, and absolutely little to no foreplay. But when you are alone, kids otherwise occupied, why can't there be romance? Do we get so caught up in the day to day menagerie, that we forget that romance can still exist? Or do we just forget about romance?

Every so often, it would be nice to have a little sweet talk, some gentle, soft kisses. But now, with kids and work, and thrown out backs, we are lucky if a breast gets touched before the panties come off. (Exactly the reason why we should all buy stock in Johnson & Johnson. After all, they are the makers of KY.)

It's not middle aged vaginal dryness! It's our husbands and significant others wanting immediate sex without the proper foreplay! When we were in our early twenties and had our way with men, we could take as much time as we needed, and our men saw that as "teasing" before the big deal. Now, foreplay is seen as the deal breaker!!!

So, the moral of the story is this - if you want foreplay, start by yourself a half an hour before your husband comes to bed! Oh, and don't forget the KY!

French Toast

2008-01-20T18:41:00.000-06:00

French Toast. Simple, right? A few pieces of bread, some egg, a dash of milk, a pan on a stove. But french toast has taken on an entirely different meaning in my house. It has become the antithesis of what is wrong. See, everyone in my house eats pancakes. I don't like pancakes. So when the other person in my marriage makes breakfast (his choice btw) he has to go OUT of his way to make french toast. And that is the problem. Going out of his way.

What has relationships become? If one partner feels that they are going out of one's way to do something so trivial for their partner? I go out of my way everyday to carry up loads of laundry two flights of stairs at a time. I consider it a workout and part of life. So where did the french toast go wrong? And just try explaining that eggs are good too, just not as filling. Oh boy! You've just started a weeks worth of ignoring the person!

So, while he hems and haws and snickers bad words under his breath, he makes my french toast. I think tomorrow, as I'm taking care of his spawn, who have the day off from school, I will hem and haw. But first I'll have to turn off the mommy instinct to nurture.

Nothin' Sexy About This

2008-01-18T17:45:00.000-06:00

Sorry I've been AWOL! Life has gotten in the way of my philosophies. What I'm going to say next is from the heart. Nothing funny about this:

Bush's "Economic Recovery" Program

ABC Story

I can't stand it when this administration back-peddles! The signs were obvious YEARS ago that the economy was going to take a turn. And now the administration wants to throw peanuts at everyone in America hoping that they'll spend the money to boost the economy. How many millions will run to their nearest Macy's and go on a spree? I'm sorry, but with $1600 per family (as per the story) that would help catch up the bills and maybe, just maybe, leave enough left over to put in savings.

The whole thing just pisses me off. This administration has done nothing but spend money and go all cowboy into countries where we don't belong. With less than 11 months in office, they are JUST NOW trying to undo some of what they have done.

NEWSFLASH Mr. President - It is going to take the new administration at least 3 years, if not longer to clean up your mess.

The Naughty Nurse

2007-10-25T11:01:00.001-05:00

Why do adults ask you what you're going to be for Halloween? Are there really adults that actually dress up in costumes anymore? I'm not talking about the adult costume party, or the role-playing outfits that you may have for those rare, but intimate fun moments with your significant other. No, I'm talking about fellow parents. Standing, waiting to pick up the kidlets from school yesterday, one of the dads asked me what I was going to be for Halloween. I told him that I was going as what I do every year - mom. He then proceeded to tell me what him and his wife were dressing as. Do I really need to know that he's taking his kids trick-or-treating dressed as a pimp, complete with giant hat and white patent leather shoes? Or that his wife is dressing like Cleopatra? I think not. Sorry, no interest here.

My main concern this Halloween was how my older daughter's costume was going to turn out. No, silly fool, I didn't sew it. I ordered it like a normal busy person would do. However, her costume did not come in a child's size, so we ordered an adult's small. My daughter is tall, and does wear my t-shirts comfortably, so I thought this would work. After $20 in alterations, it does work. Nothing like putting over $80 into a costume (that includes the necessary accessories that I will have to carry while she trick-or-treats) that my daughter will wear once.

Ah yes, Halloween, the start of all the BIG holidays that we pour nothing but money into, and get nothing out of. Well, I do get all the candy that the kidlets won't eat. (And empty half the bags of candy purchased to hand out.) Welcome to Halloween week!!!

Sexy Sarcasm?

2007-10-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

When my husband and I first started dating, besides a love of beer and bar darts, we also shared a love of sarcasm. We could people watch just about anywhere and make sarcastic comments about the guy at Jiffy Lube and whether or not he knew that his pants were too tight in the crotch area.

But after almost 13 years of marriage, the sarcasm has lost its luster. When I try to snuggle up in bed, I do not need a sarcastic diatribe on my stubbly legs. Believe me, there is no quicker mood killer than to aim your sarcasm towards your wife in bed.

Sarcasm used to be sexy. Especially when your shared sarcasm was like a secret code only you two shared. That glint in your man's eyes would send chills right to your G-Spot. But lately I'm thinking that my husband's sarcasm wasn't genetic, it's more like in-breeding gone wrong. Like your neighbor's Dalmation. He's so friggin' cute, but after a few years of watching and being party to his antics, it's now a little annoying.

So, what to do? Divorce? Nah, you still love him. Counseling? Doubtful, only because many therapists are sarcastic in-breds themselves. So that only leaves withholding sex, which is fine by you - it means you won't have to shave again until next summer.

Big Black Phallicy

2007-10-19T13:58:00.000-05:00

I should preface this by saying that my husband drives a black car, but he is a *ahem* cautious driver. So careful is he, that whenever we have to drive somewhere, I drive so that we actually make it to our destination before I turn 40.

No, the black phallicy that I'm referring to is men who drive big ass black SUVs.

You know the type. You don't? Well, let me clue you in. You're driving five screaming second graders in your minivan, obeying every stop sign and making legal turn after legal turn (hey, you're driving someone else's kids too, you're driving on your best behavior) when Man in Big Black SUV (MiGGs for short) goes rolling through the stop sign, cutting you off. He, of course, has the right of way because you are JUST a mom in a minivan. His bluetooth is more valuable than your time.

Oh, and then MiGGs (a different one of course because there are thousands of them out there) cuts you off in the grocery store parking lot because he HAS to park in the "Bob" spot - you know, the spot reserved for him, personally. When he gets out of the oversized SUV, he then proceeds to hawk a phlem ball right in your path. (Meanwhile your five year old thinks this is really cool and tries to repeat the AWESOME feat.)

But my ALL TIME favorite MiGGs tactic is when he flips you the bird and shouts expletives out of his oversized window because GOD FORBID you turn right on a green light while he is coming from the opposite direction, turning left. Don't you KNOW that he ALWAYS has the right of way?

And in case you're wondering why I call this the "phallacy", it's because this big black SUV of his is his only phallic symbol. Only a man with no balls will try to take on a mom in a minivan with a load of second graders.

The Unexpected Nooner!

2007-10-16T18:13:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, just as I was easing onto the couch with my mocha latte and box of bon-bons to watch another inspiring episode of All My Children, the phone rings. It's noon. Could my sex crazed husband be calling to set up a rendezvous? Are you kidding me? Which blog have you been reading? It's school - the kindergartner is complaining of a headache and she has a fever of 99.0. (Which, by the way, cannot be really considered a fever, right? I mean, her eye balls aren't frying in the sockets yet, so it's not really a fever). So I grab the keys and fire up the minivan and drive leisurely to school. I see this sad little face at the door, over sized backpack hanging off her hunched shoulders. Could I have been too quick to judge? Maybe my baby really is ill. The mini sobs on the way home throw me into a mommy guilt. I got my sick little baby onto the couch with some cookies and milk and a Suite Life of Zach & Cody marathon. Instead of bringing out the box of Keeblers, I should have gotten out the Academy award for best performance by a melodramatic five year old.

Sure as fireworks on the fourth of July, said sick one was bouncing off the walls and complaining that she couldn't go out and play. Then when it was time to pick up her sister, she had to be duct taped to her booster car seat so that she wouldn't run around like a healthy child when she was supposed to be ill.

So after I kissed little darling and sent her on her way to school today, I finally got that nooner in. Just me, my bon-bons and Zach Slater on AMC. Greenlee thinks she still has embryos left. Good for her - I should let her know that they come with mini Academy Awards.

Girl On Girl Action

2007-10-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

Sounds rather kinky, doesn't it? OK, get your minds out of the gutter! Geesh! I'm talking about play dates. You know, those things that moms schedule sometimes years in advance, for your child and another to get together to, well, play. When we were kids, it was, "Hey mom, I'm riding my bike over to Christy's, see ya before dark." You were lucky to get a "Be Careful" as you headed out the door. Now a days, you have to have a long conversation with the other mom and ask questions such as:

- Do you keep guns in the house?
- Do you have a set of fingerprints on file with the FBI?
- How old is your house and have you tested for lead paint?
- You do not have any peanuts, gluten, whole milk or sugar in the house, do you?

Am I coming close? Oh, and let's forget about the childhood ecstasy of playing in the mud, too dirty and too sunny. How about riding bikes up to K-Mart for a Slurpee? Nope, we can't get the employees fingerprints from the FBI quick enough.

So our kids are forced to sit on the computer during play dates, playing Webkinz. They can swing on the swingset (which was not made from pre-treated lumber which is cancer causing) but only in five minute increments so that they do not catch too many rays from the sun. Yep, our kids get their Vitamin D from soy yogurt, not from the sun.

What the hell is this world coming to? Why cant kids just go and play? Why does it have to be a play "date"? I don't know about you, but my head is hurting just thinking about this, so I'm going to go get on my bike and ride up to Starbuck's.

(Come back and visit Sex and the Soccer Mom every day for more ramblings)

The Laundry Fairy

2007-09-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

What is it with kids and husbands? Do they think the Laundry Fairy comes and does all the work? I sort clothes into four different hampers; Whites, Darks, Reds/Pinks/Purples, Lights. Every time I go do to a load (each hamper contains 2 loads), there is more. I swear laundry and rabbits are related. It all multiplies overnight.

I work from home, I have two businesses that I own. It's just me, no other employees. I am also Daisy Scout troop leader, Brownie Cookie Mom, Gift Certificate Chairperson for the annual Book Fair, Room Mom for Kindergarten, and a few other miscellaneous jobs at school that I can't remember. I also shuttle the kiddos to and from skating, dance, play dates, birthday parties, etc... you get the idea.

So when the hell do I have time for laundry? (And cooking, cleaning, ironing, sleep, shower....) Well, I have decided that the Laundry Fairy needs to visit my house. Since my family thinks that laundry "automatically" is done the minute it hits the hamper, then I think the Laundry Fairy needs to make a pit stop at my house once a week with that magic wand of hers.

What I really want to know, however, is there an Ironing Fairy? Ironing? Yes, I still do that.

(Come back and visit Sex and the Soccer Mom every day for more ramblings)

Welcome to all my fellow moms!!!

2007-09-18T00:21:00.000-05:00

Ah yes! Sex and the soccer mom. NOT! Who the hell has time? Between ballet, skating, school, homework, cleaning (did I really just say cleaning?) who seriously has time for sex? OK, so I'm not a soccer mom, but I am a mom of two very busy girls. My husband is your typical suburban husband. He works, comes home, eats, watches sports and goes to bed. That is where is he now. In bed. I'm downstairs typing on my computer. See how the "sex" works out? Who is having sex these days? Well, besides Brittany Spears and her shaved va-jay-jay. Who has time to have sex? And if you are finding the time, will you please share your secret with the rest of us?

Speaking of "The Secret" I haven't read it yet. I'm waiting for the Cliff Notes version. Because once again, I don't have time to read. Sometimes I feel like I have to schedule my bathroom breaks. Some of my suburban mom friends talk about "date nights" with their husbands. Again, this is a totally foreign concept to me. I mean, when one has to wake up at 6am to take a little cheeleader to a pee-wee football game, who wants to get drunk and laid the night before? Where is the balance? Is there such a thing as balance when you are a middle-aged mom?

One thing I am grateful for? All day Kindergarten. Finally I get to go to Target by myself!

(Come back and visit Sex and the Soccer Mom every day for more ramblings)